John Denver's Aussie-born wife Cassandra insists that the love of her life is not gone ... she still feels his presence everywhere
When she learned of John Denver's death, Cassandra Delaney, his Aussie-born ex-wife, was shattered. "Such devastation I have never known,"she says. "I felt as if my umbilical cord had been cut and that I was reeling in space, unable to breathe."
But life goes on in the Californian home she shares with Jesse - Cassy and John's eight-year-old daughter.
Home is a two-storey Colonial house in Bel Air with a white picket fence. Jesse is upstairs. Cassy, 34, stands under the stairs beside a circle of yellow flowers surrounding a soft pink candle. The flame shines on photographs of the Denver family during happier times. It's a shrine, Cassy points out, to a very special life.
Cassy walks through to the back garden and settles into a chair, tensely crossing her arms.
"I'm a bit nervous about doing this," she confides. "At this stage, there is nothing to do but honour someone who is gone. John's death has been an incredible insight for me - a heartbreaking reality. But I know John would want to thank everybody for their support. The mail keeps coming from people writing about how John's music affected their lives. He would be so thrilled at the outpouring of affection for his music and his memory. So I want to address that. I feel it's important to acknowledge the man for who he really was ... the good side.?
Cassy says she prefers not to dwell on her ex-husband's frailties. "John was never violent with me," she says in a soft, but authoritative voice. "John was not an alcoholic."
Despite her reluctance to explore John's darker side, Cassy speaks candidly about the man she loved so passionately.
"John was always working," she says. "It was in his make-up to always be working and he wanted to make a difference. It was really important to him. I think he had a difficult time balancing his family and career."
"When we were together, before Jesse was born, we were always on a plane going to a benefit or a concert. It was very exciting. But somewhere along the way, we stopped communicating."
Cassy says the breakdown of communication between them was so severe that, towards the end of their marriage in 1991, the couple had resorted to writing each other notes, expressing their feelings of confusion and conflict - while they were living under the same roof.
That was the worst it got, Cassy says, but her eyes grow bright as she remembers happier times with the love of her life.
"I was very much in love with John," she says softly. "The minute I saw
him, I knew instantly that he was going to be the father of my children."
"The greatest gift John gave me was Jesse. She has a love for life, like John, and she shares his great strength of character. I am constantly amazed at how well she is handling her father's death. She's actually been a great example for me. Children are better at letting go."
In life, John had been unable to let Cassandra go and she remained inextricably tied to him. He never let Cassy's or Jesse's birthdays pass - or even Cassy's mum's - without sending flowers. More recently, John, 53, had left his Aspen home and moved closer to his ex-wife and daughter while they worked on becoming a family again.
Cassy admits, "Yes, a reconciliation was in progress all the way up to John's death. We talked on the phone frequently about our feelings and John came here regularly to spend time with us. I find it a great blessing and am incredibly grateful that we were at that point of forgiving one another."
The day of John's fatal evening plane crash had been a happy one for Cassy and Jesse, arranged by an adoring but, as Cassy points out, somewhat strict father.
"John arranged a day at Disneyland for me, Jesse and friends of hers visiting from Aspen," she says. "He had a car drive there and every conceivable courtesy was bestowed upon us, including a lovely meal at the finest restaurant on the grounds. John was always thoughtful and romantic."
"Before Jesse was born, John and I would get on a horse and ride for a couple of days and wind up wherever the end of the day took us."
"I will never forget the first time we went camping. We loaded a helicopter then were flown over the most beautiful mountains, finally descending onto our own private campsite."
"The helicopter flew off and it was just the two of us. We sat around a fire and played our guitars and sang. The next morning we hiked to the lake and played in the water. That afternoon the helicopter picked us up."
"John was incredibly romantic. Even our divorce was, strange as this must sound, sentimental! Just moments after we signed the decree, John held me in his arms and said, "You are the woman I always knew you were and I love you and I'll always take care of you and Jesse". Then we went out to dinner that night and had a bottle of wine."
"We were proud of ourselves for seeing through the break-up with integrity and supporting each other and doing the best we could for each other - and Jesse."
That night John was jailed for driving under the influence of alcohol. A year later, on the first anniversary of his divorce, he was arrested a econd time for the same charge.
Still, Cassy insists John was not an alcoholic. "Yes, he loved a glass of wine after working so hard. He loved a party."
"He was very controlling. John enjoyed being an entertainer but, with fame, other people were in control of aspects of his life, so maybe that's why he had the need to control me because he felt a little out of control himself. And, I think I was a bit of a challenge for John. I have always been very independent."
"I sent John out on the road by himself after Jesse's birth because I didn't want her raised by nannies. It wasn't long, though, before I began to feel stifled creatively. When I began thinking about pursuing my own singing and acting career in the States, John became very threatened."
"He was, at times, very old-fashioned and stubborn. It didn't sit well with him to let me follow my dreams."
"We both behaved badly towards each other. But neither of us was able to let go."
"I had a couple of relationships after we divorced but neither John nor I could love anyone else because we still had such a strong love bond."
"Immediately after I learned of his death, I felt compelled to take Jesse and go up in an aircraft to be with John. When he was alive, the man was in a plane every day so I knew we would surely find him in the sky."
"I didn't want to leave Aspen after the service. I went to our home there and nothing, not one thing, had been touched since I?d left there five years ago."
"I went into the library to find the leather-bound book that held our wedding vows. It was gone. Frantic, I looked all through the house, only to find it among John's personal papers in his bathroom!"
"I was at once happy and sad, knowing he must have been reading them recently."
Cassy still wears the diamond solitaire and emerald wedding band John gave her.
"He wore emeralds and diamonds too," she says softly. "Emeralds and diamonds together are a strong force connecting to your love chakra."
Cassy can no longer hold back a tear, "He's not gone," she says bravely. "I feel his presence everywhere, and Jesse and I have only to play his music to know he is here with us and always will be."
